When Dad Would Rather Have a Man Help

Quick answer: Many older men find it easier to accept help with bathing, shaving and dressing from another man, and many won’t say so unless someone asks. You can request a male caregiver at the free consultation. We match on gender, personality and schedule, and availability varies by area, so ask us directly about your father’s address. Our caregivers are active seniors themselves, which often makes the conversation easier.

Say your father has turned down every offer of help for a year. “I’ve got it,” he says. He’s wearing the same shirt as Sunday. You arranged a kind woman to come by, and he was polite, showed her the kitchen, and told her there was nothing else to do. You took it to mean he refuses help.

There’s another possibility. He may have no problem with the help and a very big problem with a woman seeing him in the shower.

Modesty doesn’t retire

Men in their eighties came up in a world with firm rules about this. A man might have showered in open barracks at Fort Huachuca or on a ship, surrounded by other men, and thought nothing of it. Being undressed in front of a woman who isn’t his wife is another matter, and it can sting more if his body doesn’t do what it used to.

Veterans aren’t the only ones who feel it, and this applies in Benson and Bisbee as much as in Sierra Vista. He may also prefer a woman. Some men do, and that’s fine too. The only way to know is to ask, and to make it easy for him to answer.

How to bring it up

Try not to open with the shower. Some approaches that leave his pride alone:

• Ask it as a practical matter: “If someone were helping around here, would you rather it was a man or a woman?”

• Have the question come from a brother, a son-in-law or his doctor, if he’d hear it better from them

• Start with something other than care, like a haircut trip or a ride to breakfast

• Leave the decision with him, including the option of saying no after a first visit

If he says “doesn’t matter,” watch what happens later. A man who won’t let a female caregiver past the bathroom door has given you his answer.

What a peer brings to the bathroom door

A male caregiver in his sixties or seventies has aches of his own. He knows what a bad knee does on a wet floor, so the help can sound like one man talking to another: “Hang on to my arm getting out. Mine’s no good on tile either.”

Personal care can include bathing, dressing, grooming and mobility support. For a lot of men, grooming is the easy way in. A proper shave and a clean shirt are things a man has done every day since he was young, and he may welcome a hand with them long before he’ll accept help in the shower. Once you’re matched, the same caregiver stays. Trust builds slowly here, and starting over with a stranger costs ground. If the fit isn’t right, we introduce another.

Every caregiver is background-checked with Arizona fingerprint clearance, bonded and insured. Personal care here is non-medical. Skin changes or new trouble with balance go to his doctor, and if he falls and is hurt or can’t get up, call 911.

Frequently asked questions

Do you have male caregivers in Sierra Vista? Ask us about your father’s address when you call. We’ll tell you plainly what we can do and what the match would look like.

Can I ask for a caregiver who served in the military? Yes, mention it at the consultation. We can’t promise a specific background, but it can be part of how we think about the match.

What if Mom is the one who wants a woman helping? Say so. Matching on gender works the same in both directions, for the same reasons.

If your father keeps saying no to help, it may be worth asking who he’d say yes to. Call us at (520) 487-4246 or request a free in-home consultation. We serve Sierra Vista, Fort Huachuca, Hereford, Huachuca City and the surrounding Cochise County communities.